Why Me?
Yesterday was a total "why me?" day. Over the last few days it has been more and more in our face that we are literally living our dream. It is a crazy thing to realize that you had a desire and that God gave you the go-ahead and created a way to make it happen. It is also a huge responsibility that I don't take lightly. Several years ago I told Jeff that I wanted to have a group home for children, and today workers are diligently working to roof Mercy Children's home.But yesterday; yesterday started out like all of our days do. We got up, got ready and waited some. Most of the time in Kenya you can make plans, but the reality is that they will happen later than you planned. After morning chai we jumped on the boda boda and headed to the school in Sang'alo. Our plan was to bandage up Elijah's foot and take Chris to the Dr to get a treatment plan started. Chris is a student at the school in Sang'alo and he has some serious health issues going on. We had a precious donor send in $300 specifically for his treatment so we are tackling that and trying to get a long term treatment plan together.
When we arrived at the school the children's heads were being shaved and treated for ringworm. Ringworm is pretty common here and spreads from child to child quickly. It is mostly found on their heads, the easiest way to get rid of it is to shave the head and apply the ointment all over. So instead of heading straight into Bungoma we stayed in Sang'alo for a couple of hours, gave some hair cuts, loved on some babies, spoke to a grandmother about her beautiful granddaughter coming to stay with us and ate lunch. During lunch Pastor Calistus informed us that Robai had missed a couple of days of school and had passed out. He didn't want to tell us because he said nothing could be done, because she missed a dose or 2 of her HIV meds so this is normal.
So what's this "Why me?" about? Well after yesterday I was really doubting myself and honestly, God. While I know He is perfect and makes no mistakes I was feeling like maybe he did in sending me here. Who am I? Why me? In the grand scheme of things I'm nobody. I'm not qualified for this at all. I'm not a Dr., not a social worker, not a specialist of any kind...as a matter of fact I don't even consider myself book smart at all. But here I am living in Kenya with often a suffocating amount of responsibility. Often a burden so big that I just don't know how it will happen, but in my heart of hearts I just can't accept that it can't happen. I know I serve a great big God and I know that is why I can't accept that it (help/change) can't happen. Now let me give you a little snap shot of my day. This won't be a line by line of all the things that burdened me, but the ones that hurt the most.
1st "why me?" of the day...as hair cuts were being done in Sang'alo there was a little boy who was so dirty they were having a hard time cutting his hair off of his head. He had an open sore on the front of his leg that the Dr said was due to lack of hygiene. It was obvious that this child hadn't bathed in weeks. This was so sad to me, it actually made me mad a little bit...this poor little boy was filthy yet hadn't been helped by anyone.
2nd "why me?" ...As I sat in a plastic chair in the shade Pastor Calistus sat a Grandmother down right across from me asking if her granddaughter needs to come and live with us. While I couldn't understand the Swahili they were speaking I knew what was happening. Her eyes (I don't think I will forget them ever) but she said yes, that her sweet Epikai who is HIV+ needs to come and stay with us. Her situation is so dire that her Grandmother was able to make that decision on the spot.
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3rd "why me?" ...being notified that Robai had passed out and apparently that is thought of as normal in her situation. In my heart of hearts I know she needed to be seen by a Dr. I'm also fairly sure she needed at least some IV fluids. Why is her situation such that if she misses a dose or two of meds she passes out? Does she need more meds? Is she on the right meds? She has constantly been on my mind and now more so. I need her home so we can dig deeper and get her healthy.
4th "why me?" of this long day...when the Dr. checked Elijah out he said he needed oral and topical antibiotics due to his foot infection and I had those for him, but he also needed to be seen by a dentist for issues with a tooth. Elijah's Mom is a widow with many children and hasn't been able to afford his medical needs. So we took him to the dentist while his Mom stayed behind and worked. Elijah had a tooth pulled yesterday without his Momma there. I'm glad that he is on the road to healing, but my heart breaks for his Mom and her situation.
5th "why me?" ...Chris; his situation is so bad. There really is no way to sugar coat it, the child is in bad condition. He has sickle cell and that hasn't been treated properly. Now he needs surgery, but right now he isn't even stable enough for surgery. His family has known since 2016 that he needs surgery, but they simply don't have the money. In Kenya the full bill has to be paid before you leave, they will not bill you later.
These events left me broken, with tears in my eyes and wondering "why me?". I'm just a Momma from Texas with big dreams that everyone can be saved and helped. But can they really? My heart says save them all and my head says that's just not possible.
I guess in the end on the hard days I need to remeber that I was chosen. God knows things about me that I do not. He sees strength that I'm not aware of. He knows that my heart is big enough and that I will obey Him. He did choose me and by doing so He has tremendously blessed me. I've never loved life more than I do right now.