Something has really hurt my heart recently and I have not been able to just move past it. I have always had a habit of wanting to explain myself when someone doesn't understand me or misunderstands me and if I can't then sometimes it really bothers me. A few weeks ago I came across a meme that said something like "Life got easier when I decided to let some people misunderstand me". It made me stop scrolling and read it again. Sometimes we (I definitely do) do need to just walk away and let people misunderstand us and sometimes I do, even when it hurts my heart. But, the situation at hand is really "nagging" at me because I believe that my heart has been misjudged and that I am not okay with others just misunderstanding.

In the following text I'm going to try and explain my heart. I'm sharing this because it is really, really bothering me to think that anyone would think this about where I'm coming from. This blog post isn't to get reassurance or praise from anyone, it isn't to put anyone down or anything like that. It is simply to try and explain my heart and why I share the things I share.

To make sure I'm being clear in my communication I want to start with the fact that I feel like God has called me to be OPEN and HONEST on this beautiful journey He has me on. So, that is what I try to be with all of y'all. We are really stressing, focusing, and requiring openness and honesty with all of our staff. Many of you are dedicated to praying and giving to the work God is doing here and I believe that those things require me to be open and honest, but most importantly I feel like this is what God has asked of me. Hard does not equal bad, it just doesn't. Giving birth is hard, definitely not bad. Serving God is sometimes hard, definitely not bad. Dying to self is HARD, but not bad. A while back it seems as if I was misunderstood and it looked to others like I was complaining about how hard my life is here. As I mentioned above I've tried to just move on, but it is really bothering me that I came across like I was complaining. I want to address that in a couple of different ways.

First, our life is incredibly hard here. God has called us to do hard things and we praise him for that, but it is hard. We are incredibly blessed to be here and we love it, but it is hard. Having 3 adult sons, 2 daughter in-loves and a sweet, sweet granddaughter on another continent is HARD. Having a sick mother that I never get to see who likely doesn't even know who I am (due to dementia) is HARD. Leaving my Father in-love is hard, he is one of the most loving and supportive people to our family. Leaving family, friends and many other things we absolutely loved about our life in TX is hard, even after 4 years and knowing God is in this, it is still hard. I could easily list 50+ other things about leaving the states that is hard, but you get the point.

Our daily life in Kenya is HARD. There are 4 of us (Jeff, Caitie, Karson and myself) running a pretty big ministry. Currently our Assistant Director is on maternity leave, but even when she is here and there are 5 of us, it is still difficult, it is a lot to manage and you never clear your "to-do" list. We raise 100+ children daily, all with different needs, we manage a school with 8 classes, we manage a staff of 30+, Jeff, on top of being a Dad to many, pastors a church and usually preaches twice every Sunday. Our bio family of 9 lives inside the children's home which is great, but it is hard because there is no "me" time here, very little "bio family" time, pretty much noise 18 hours a day and it is go, go, go. We can't just load up and go get ice cream at 9pm anymore, we don't get to spend the day at the zoo and park anymore and definitely no more lazy movie days. We miss those things, some days we wish we could just load up and go do something fun. Not being the same family we were in TX is hard sometimes.

We constantly have people at our gate asking for food, medical help, money so their children can attend school, asking for us to build them a new home because theirs is falling down and the list of needs and people just keep coming and coming. As if this isn't enough, all this is happening in a different culture than we grew up in and communication is often in a language other than English. 4 of us are managing/overseeing/directing all of this, our life is HARD.

Levi is one of the cases that came to us at the Mercy Home gate. His grandmother brought him severely malnourished and he is special needs.

While we have a large home, school and church many things aren't yet completed which makes things harder. When we go to cook (inside the home not in the main kitchen) we have to hunt down pans, spoons and measuring cups as we don't have a normal kitchen where all of those things are kept. When we have visitors from America, while it is a HUGE blessing, it also creates a lot of extra work because we don't have missionary quarters (housing) or anything like that. It is the 4 of us working together to figure out which room or rooms we will clean out, store contents of that room somewhere else, set up a new room and try and make it as comfortable as possible. We love, love having visitors, but it is a lot for us to juggle and sometimes it is hard. Because we live so far from Nairobi (capitol of Kenya, 8 hours away) it is sometimes harder for us to get the things we need and want for our home. For example, any wiring we need done for electrical work has to be ordered from Nairobi because Bungoma doesn't sell the right kind of wire for our size home (that's how we ended up with a small fire several months ago). Ordering from Nairobi means added time and added cost, not impossible, just harder than normal, also needing special wire means we need a well trained electrician, again more money. Since the outside of our home isn't completed (which includes landscaping and pathways) when it rains we end up with so much mud/dirt in the house. We aren't in a situation where we can just keep everyone in the house...we have over 200 muddy feet in and out all day. When it rains it forces everyone to eat in the house sitting room (a 20ft x 20ft space) versus scattered about outside because we don't have a dining hall (yet, this is definitely in the works!)...over 100 people in a small space is hard and loud.

Emotionally this is a lot of weight to carry. We are responsible for lots of lives. We have to make sure everyone is well, often kids won't come and tell us when they are feeling bad so we have to be purposeful in checking in on everyone each day. Then when someone is sick we have to stay on top of it and make decisions, if we forget they often won't say anything until things are bad/worse. We have one child who doesn't show ANY signs of malaria until he passes out 😮. No fever, no body aches, just running and playing until he literally passes out while running across the yard. Saying "no" to those who are asking for and need help is emotionally hard. We want to help, but just can't help everyone. We had to shut down our kids feeding program in March and knowing that likely there are hungry kids in our village is a heavy weight to carry. Leaving family behind means some days are harder than others, but holidays and birthdays are the worst because we know we would all be together. Emotionally we feel that and we can acknowledge it, but we still have a million responsibilities right in front of us so we have to keep going. Our life here is hard.

But God has been and is so, so good to us! While our life is hard it is full of love. While our life is hard it is full of blessings, more than I can count or explain to y'all. While our life is incredibly hard it is definitely not bad. God called us to live a hard life and when I'm sharing the hard parts, I'm generally not complaining about it, I'm simply sharing both sides. The good and the bad, the beautiful and the difficult, the fun and not so fun, the joy and the pain, I'm trying to share our real life and my real heart with y'all. James 1:2-4 in the ESV Bible says "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." I believe that even the hard times are what is best for me and so I should share them as well. If I have come off as complaining I am sorry, that isn't (generally, I'm not perfect) where my heart actually is, I'm trying to be authentic and share the work He is doing.

Thank you for following along and not giving up. If you've been here for long you know we mess up, we aren't perfect and missions isn't easy. No matter what, we are incredibly blessed to be here serving Him and we are blessed to have you on our team. I hope I have explained my heart well and it can help you know and understand me and where I'm coming from better.

"“While our life is hard, it is full of blessings”

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