A Messy Missionary's Thoughts…
Some days my life is really, really hard. Some days are really stressful. Some days are messy and chaotic and I feel like don't get anything "real" done. I've even found myself on the super hard days wanting to give up because the mountain in front of me seems too big. Sometimes the needs of the ministry work here are so overwhelming and it often feels like we will never get caught up. Sometimes I ask God why he would send inadequate me who was happily living "my dream" life on the farm to Kenya. (Don't get me wrong, I am actually living my real dream life now.) The changes needed here are too great for me, I want to fix them all, but I truly can't.
And then just a few seconds after this mumbo jumbo, internal dialogue I get to see one of these beautiful faces and the chaos washes away. I put on my climbing shoes and head up that mountain. I once again ask for more prayers, money, and support. The stress melts away even if only for a few minutes. My life isn't easy...I can't actually remember my last easy day here, but these kids are worth every bit of it. They are so worth it, they are more than worth it and will climb as many mountains as it takes.
He never promised me easy, but I promised to let go and follow Him. I try so hard to get it right and these last 4ish years have stretched and grown me like crazy. I am however thankful for it ALL. The good, bad, scary, ugly, tears, laughter, freedom, easy, difficult, hard...literally all of it. I'm thankful for the giant mountains He's put before me even though I don't feel capable to climb them. In the last 4 years I've learned that His will, will be done...no matter what I want, or anyone else wants. So here I am trying to sort my will from from His perfect will and follow him closer each day.
Pray for missionaries, we fight battles in our own heads that you will likely never know. We desire to see so much change it hurts sometimes. We face challenges that you can't even imagine and we long to be with those we love especially when they are celebrating or going through times of sorrow.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. James 1:2-3 ESV
I recently heard this song for the first time and added it to my short playlist that I listen to over and over.
I AM THEY "Near To Me"
God I'm tired
And I'm lonely
I can't do this on my own
I surrender
Every burden
By Your mercy
You come close
You can have my heart I will rest in You
And my darkest night
Will be bright as noon
I am filled with hope
And I will not fear
When I lose it all
I know You come near to me
So come near to me
You are goodness
You are kindness
So I lift my eyes to You
In my weakness You are boundless
So I lift my hands to You
You can have my heart I will rest in You
And my darkest night
Will be bright as noon
I am filled with hope
And I will not fear
When I lose it all
I know You come near to me
Hallelujah, come
Holy Spirit, come
You can have my heart
I will rest in You
And my darkest night
Will be bright as noon
I am filled with hope
And I will not fear
When I lose it all
I know You come near to me
So come near to me