Learning, Genuine People, and Difficult Goodbyes

Through missions, God has taught me that I really value genuine relationships and genuine people. Small talk drains me, but I'm always down for heart-sharing/deep/real discussion. God has also shown me that really, I've always been this way. Years ago my motto was something like this..."I hate people". I really hated the "I'm fine" expectation and mask-wearing (not an actual mask, but before we had that) that I felt like was always expected. I hated the gossip that seemed to be way too present in Mom groups and women's ministry. I hated the cheesiness and fru-fru-ness of what others thought women's ministry needed to be. I just wasn't a big fan of what I felt like I needed to be to fit in because that wasn't me at all. Add all of that on top of being an introvert and I really felt like I hated people...even as a believer people were not my thing.

I'm still not a (big) people person. I get nervous and over analyze what I said or didn't say. I often avoid situations that would force me to talk publicly, I can usually be found "hiding" behind Jeff. He is, after all, a gifted speaker and I'm usually the one to mess it all up.

Even though I say (and sometimes feel like) I'm not a people person, I'm learning that's just not true. I am a genuine people person. I love talking to real people who also enjoy meaningful conversation. People that I can listen to and learn from, people that are interested in the things that truly matter in life. People who are interested and take time to point me to Christ.

I'm learning that the downside to being a genuine people person is that "goodbyes" are never good or easy for me. Even when I'm excited to be at our next destination, my emotions can be overwhelming and usually tears flow. I often try and shut down so I can somewhat control my emotions and cry on my own terms, usually when others aren't looking. My heart is always in 2 places while in America because our home is in Africa, so I'm sure that doesn't help "goodbyes" for me.

But in spite of me, God in all of His grace has blessed us with some of the most genuine people. God is showing me one of the many ways he loves me by connecting me to others who are good for me, who challenge me, who love me, who will point me back to Christ again and again. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding and accepting God's love due to childhood trauma, but He is good to keep giving me more than I deserve.

So if we have spent time with you this trip or will spend time with you know that leaving isn't easy for me. I try and put on a "good face", but inside my heart is a mess. I'm a mess and if you don't already know that you haven't been paying attention 😂. Anything in me that is good, is God working in and through me, and I'll forever be grateful to God for His goodness.