Freedom in Authenticity

Growing up I was told how to feel, when to smile, when to be on my best behavior, and exactly how to be polite. I was a good kid and always complimented on my behavior, but honestly, it was 100% fear-based. I was a good kid because the repercussions of my "acting out of line" were so bad. Not only were the repercussions so bad, but what was considered "acting out of line" was ever changing in my father's eyes. This upbringing created an adult who was scared of everything, who was always "fine", who was (and still is) a messy perfectionist, and one who did not know how to process, react, communicate, or understand her own feelings. I was a total mess, but didn't know it, and yet I was always "fine".

If you've followed me for long, you know my whole story is a "But God!" story. While this part is no different, this part has taken awhile. In 2002, when I met Jeff I thought I was "okay", but then being in a relationship, getting married, and raising a family brought out all these feelings and emotions that I didn't know what to do with. Jeff and I had a lot of conflict, we were both selfish, and I was not, under any condition, going to be controlled by another man, 18+ years by my father was already too much. To say I was bullheaded or stubborn would be an understatement. So conflict happened a lot and when Jeff would ask me what was wrong I would always say "nothing". If you know me then you know my face tells the whole story most of the time, so it was obvious to him that everything was wrong, but I couldn't talk about it. I simply just didn't know how, but I didn't even know how to tell him that. In some ways that sounds so silly, but I had never been taught or seen someone to just talk about how they felt. My father was a screamer...he screamed his feelings at my Mom and I, everyone, knew how he felt. But the way he felt was always because of us. The first 12 years of my life I was an only child so I didn't have the opportunity to argue with a sibling and then work it out. I had only seen all the wrong ways to handle feelings and trying not to follow those examples I just shutdown.

Over the last 20 years, especially the last 10, I've spent some serious time being honest with myself and I've spent a lot of time "unpacking" my childhood, my habits, my anger, and the mess that I am. I've been trying to replace old tapes in my head, habits, thoughts and ideas, and the way I have previously just been "fine" with the actual Truth, God's Word, and His ways. The more I understand about the way God wants me to live (fully dependant on Him) and the more I surrender to that, the better life gets. Somehow unpacking all the ugly I had packed away for so many years and constantly trying to surrender to Him has been beautiful.

I'm definitely not perfect and I haven't reached the end of my needed growth, but I have found so much freedom in Christ, admitting who I really am, and replacing my ways with His. I'm still a mess and suspect I'll always be a mess in some areas. I'm the wife that has to ask her husband if her clothes match, even in the middle of his preaching class. I'm a "tad" disorganized and have a hard time paying attention to one thing at a time. I'm an overthinker. I'm the Mom who's oldest daughter braids and fixes hair way better than her. I'm still the sensitive soul that wants to say "nothing is wrong" when I am deeply hurt. I definitely wear my feelings on my sleeves, but try to constantly stuff them back in. Sometimes I'm extremely nervous and still have no idea why. I'm the messy missionary that I never thought I'd be, and I'm probably forever the wife that struggles to die to self by submitting to my husband. I can be so hardheaded.

These days I have no problem admitting those things about myself and more, there's plenty more. I'm not just "fine" all the time. Leaning on God has given me freedom to admit those struggles and not hide them. Being able to admit I'm a mess has reduced my anxiety. Please don't ever think God only uses "super spiritual" people. That, that is definitely a lie that Satan would love for you to believe. Anyone who knows me in real life would have to say that I'm not super spiritual, but that I did used to be a SUPER mess and for many years not only did I not want to submit, but I would tell Jeff that I was never going to be "his doormat." They'd probably also tell you that I would have been the LAST on their list of friends who would dive all-in and follow God's call.

Be who God made you to be. Live open and honest about who you are and what God has done and is doing in your life. You don't have to hide behind a "mask" and appear to have it all together. He will meet you where you are time and time again and he will free you from your wrong ideas, thought-patterns, and all the "masks". He will show you the way to go and use you in ways you never imagined if you are willing to be obedient to His call. No matter how difficult you are, where you live, what your call is, He has you and even when it may feel like He's forgotten you, He hasn't. The day I was randomly arrested and put in jail I knew things would be okay, I knew God was in it. I knew that God was going to protect my kids whose parents had been jailed and who were pretty much on their own (in a foreign country) for an undetermined amount of time. He was in what seemed like total chaos. I was released after just a few hours and we learned SO much through that whole experience that we wouldn't have learned otherwise. Not only was God in the chaos, He was so GOOD to allow things to happen that way.

Just to be clear I'm not advocating to live in freedom while sinning. As I have learned sin is not true freedom and being a believer doesn't mean we can just sin because of God's grace. "Authentic me in the flesh" is sassy and definitely does not want to defer/submit to Jeff, authentic me naturally goes against the grain, but with Jesus I'm learning and more importantly He is changing my heart. Deep down in my heart I want to want to submit now. I want to talk about how I'm really feeling. I want to follow Him and do whatever He has for me. Obviously I'm not suddenly perfect at any of those things, but God has changed my heart and I truly want to do better. There's so much of the "be yourself" mantra out there that I want to be clear that I'm not advocating for that. But I am for surrendering more and more to Christ and allowing Him to change you more and more. You and I will always find more freedom in living in the way He has called us to live than anything we could ever think up or anything we could put on a dream board. He is truly GOOD, in the highs and lows, in the joys and sorrows, in the easiest of easy and in the most difficult, God is so good to us! Also I'm completely at peace with my childhood, so as I talk about my upbringing I'm not coming from a place of anger or hurt, God has healed that hurt in my heart.

Thank you for following along and reading things from my heart. This journey to and in Kenya has been exactly what I needed. As I look back over the last 40 years I'm thankful for each thing that I've experienced...God knew exactly what I needed to get me to where I am today and I can't imagine life anywhere else. He has blessed me more than I deserve. Thank you again and again for being part of our story here, we are incredibly blessed.

Only adding this pic of me because I think it describes me perfectly!