Deep, Deep Valleys, Bigger God
For the last several months we have been going through it. It…what exactly is “it”? I don’t really even have enough words to put together to explain it, but I want to share some things in case anyone else is walking through hard things and they need to be pointed back to Jesus, cause let’s be real without Him my simple words are not going to help anyone.
Before I get all into this I want to be clear when I use the word trauma here I mean real trauma. Chronic (repeated) trauma, complex (multiple events) trauma…events that really rocked your world, many times and what I am specifically talking about here is childhood trauma at the hands of someone who was supposed to love and protect you. So if you think I am talking about today’s definition of “trauma” where your feelings just got hurt, you could not be more wrong. I am not talking about the wrong person being the president, I’m talking about a parent physically, mentally, and emotionally abusing you over and over again…that leaves you traumatized.
Being a “trauma kid” myself gives me a different perspective into the hearts, thoughts, and feelings of some of our kids. The last several months has felt like the biggest fight of my life and it hasn’t been for me or my life…or has it? You see…I have a child that I did not carry nor birth, but is definitely mine. Mine, mine…just like I did birth him, just like I witnessed his first breath, just like I watched him take his first steps, and heard the first time he said “Mama”. I will be honest with you and say that I did not ask for this. The Lord, on His own, knitted our hearts together in that way. I don’t think that I would have even asked the Lord for that because the boy I am talking about has always been a very difficult child with a deviously adorable smile. But God…I am so thankful and blessed by His sovereign will!
For the last several months I’ve been fighting him (my son) FOR him. Sounds crazy to someone who has never experienced trauma, but in some ways the things that trauma has taught him has him trapped. I really have no idea why God thought I could do this. Most nights I lay in bed trying to figure out what to do next, asking God to make me a good enough Mom…with tears falling because I am most definitely failing my son. No one likes to fail, but for me this is much bigger than just failing. You see, I am failing someone, someone who needs my help, who needs my all, who requires so much of me, someone I love with my whole heart, someone that needs me to have all the answers, and consistently point him to Jesus. Someone I never had.
Trying to help him has been exhausting and often feels like I am just barely treading water. I have had to really take my own advice, the same advice I give him and the same growth I expect from him. I have had to point my own self back to Jesus. I have had to apply Romans 8:28 to this whole situation over and over again. I have to walk out 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 like never before. I have been stretched beyond what I thought was possible and I have been forced to grow in ways I did not realize I needed to grow. I have had to learn to see the beauty in the valleys…in the deep dark there is still beauty. In the deep and dark I still get to do life with this precious child who was broken by the world, yet made in the image of God. For some reason God thinks that I am the one for this job. The weight of that is heavy for me because I know what is at stake.
Of course this rambling isn’t really about me and my growth. I hope you are hearing a picture of what the Lord is doing. I hope you are able to see without Him I would be nothing and totally ineffective. I hope you see that He is GOOD no matter where we are on the journey. I hope you see HOPE, His hope, because without His hope we really do not have anything. Even though the valley is deep, even though the valley is dark, even though the valley makes me question myself, God is at work. His work is good, His work can be trusted, and His work should be chased down with fierceness.
“Yes, I will follow You” is not always easy y’all, but God will see you through. Not always easy, but always, always worth it. I would not want to miss out on even a second in the valley with Him. The joy He provides is beyond what is describable. If you are in the fight, walking in the valley, being drug through what feels like the worst, fix your eyes on Him and He will lead you in the way He would have you go. He made you, He knows you, He has what is best for you, and He is a good Father who will see His perfect work, in us, through.
Please don’t forget to pray for missionaries. Put a reminder on your refrigerator or bathroom mirror, or set an alarm in your phone. Mercy Ministries is about more than feeding people, more than meeting medical needs, more than providing free education. While it is all of those things it is most importantly focused on teaching Christ and Him crucified and then teaching them to live a life that honors Christ which often requires us to crawl through the dark valleys while seeking to walk in His light! When we agreed to follow the Lords calling to Kenya we did not fully know what we were saying “yes” to, but we knew we were all in. Today we are more all in than we were almost 9 years ago…in the deep and dark we are all in and in the highest highs we are still all in. We are so incredibly thankful for those who hold us in prayer!
Seeking the Light from the valley,
Steph💜